When my Heart is Overwhelmed: Lead me to the Rock that is Higher Than I

My heart has been overwhelmed lately. So many things, thankfully none of them catastrophic, have taken their toll on me, and I find that even my day-to-day activities feel a little harder. I have begun to notice that the older I get, the easier it is for me to feel this way. I still have a busy and full life, but the things I used to be able to do without a second thought now require more of me, both physically and mentally.

The disruption caused by our home’s renovation has also been tiring for me. The constant decisions, the feeling of unsettledness, and the numerous delays and the cost for these delays were more than we had hoped. I have been torn between my obligations to complete these financial commitments and my desire to pursue another direction in this season of my life. This conflict has caused me heartache, and I have felt lost. I had longed to be retired by now but have chosen to return to work nearly full-time until these projects are complete.

When Fiji travel resumed in 2023, and we were invited to return and lead a medical team, I was not excited. The cost was more than I had expected, and the thought of taking time off work to work elsewhere was not appealing to me. My consolation was knowing I would be out of the San Joaquin Valley for nearly three weeks in July and August. When I began my travels, I did not have the right attitude, but I prayed that God would help my heart and perspective.

My transformation usually begins when my feet hit Fijian ground, and I inhale the early morning air. It was raining upon our arrival, and I must admit that this eased my heart. It would be nearly another twelve hours before we would arrive at our final destination, and after a thirteen-hour flight and a six-hour drive, I was ready to be home in Nabouwalu.

It was delightful to return to our Fijian family after the closures caused by COVID. It was as if no time had passed as we settled into our Fijian home. We started preparing and training and would hold our first clinic on Sunday after church.

I went to the Church early on Sunday morning and found my favorite spot to sit. I always sit near an open window to feel the cool breeze, which I lovingly call “the aircon.” I do love this moment, and I began to feel that I was in the right place. In the quiet moments before anyone else arrived, I began to think of the scripture that always reminds me of Fiji, Psalms 61:2 “When my heart is overwhelmed; lead me to the Rock that is higher than I.”

I had forgotten to go to the Rock.

I sat there for nearly three hours and contemplated what I had lost. I had denied myself what I needed the most this year.

What is it about travel that gives me permission to think differently? Simply, I allow myself the time to do so. I am not driven by the need to get things done or the fear that I won’t be able to accomplish them in the timeline given. Even if my circumstances don’t change, my perception of them can if I allow myself time at the Rock.

No one around me may have noted the change in me, but I did. I still worked hard, but I pursued the roles which brought me the greatest joy. I made several home visits each day and cared for and comforted those who could not make it into the clinic. I was the recipient of far more than I gave.

There is a period of adjustment when I return. I fight the urge to resume my previous life of busyness, yet I know I have a few things to complete before we begin our sabbatical. Which, incidentally, is tomorrow!

I’ll connect with you on the road!